Dearest Devoted Fan,

Ah, Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving. In the Pooglins household, we sit ‘round the table by candle light and recount the story of the first Thanksgiving. I don’t mean that propagandistic nonsense about Pilgrims and Squanto in 1621. I mean the Thanksgiving from 1863 when, during the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln saw need of bolstering the Union’s pride. So he did what any red blooded American president would do: he made up a holiday. Nothing says patriotism like a holiday. Thus was born the first Thanksgiving.

Later, during the 1890’s the Pilgrims were retroactively included as part of what Thanksgiving was all about. Then stories promulgated about the friendships between Native Americans and Pilgrims resulting in tableaus of fellowship between the two cultures at the dinner table over horns-o-plenty, corn, pumpkins, and turkey (which Benjamin Franklin thought should be the national bird, and now is in a tasty sort of way).

So, in the tradition of faux patriotism and the suppression of native cultures in favor of an ethnocentric celebration, I will offer you a few suggestions for True Thanksgiving centerpieces.

Idea the First: Whittle a large sculpture of Lincoln out of cheese (one of Abe’s favorite foods). I think a nice Abbaye du Mont des Cats would provide a suitable firmness for sculpting. As an accent to the large Lincoln centerpiece, you can add smaller cheese Lincolns at each setting as place card holders. Just carve a slot atop Lincoln’s head to hold a place card.

Idea the Second: At the 1621 dinner table, another slice of pumpkin pie wasn’t the only thing the Pilgrims passed to the “Indians.” Smallpox, passed through European contact, ran rampant through the New England tribes wiping out 90% - 96% of the native peoples. This plague caused the tribes to doubt their gods and traditions and ally themselves with the Europeans for protection from neighboring tribes. This just furthered the epidemic. As the Native Americans were being killed off by the invisible enemy, the white folk swept along behind them to claim the newly “available” real estate, giving them something to be truly thankful for.

In this spirit, we offer you the Smallpox Horn-o-Plenty.

Breaking the piñata
& collecting the land deeds

Idea the Third: Along the same lines as the Smallpox Horn-o-Plenty is the Indian Piñata (or Indiañata). This one can be used as a centerpiece for the meal, and once dinner is over it’s a game to keep the children occupied. As each child takes a whack at the little indian brave - breaking a limb, or cracking his skull - the Indiañata will dispense candy for the children and small land deeds for the adults.

I hope these ideas have been helpful for you as you prepare for the upcoming holiday. Please, feel free to take them and make them your own.

Peace out,
Señor Pooglins