Dear Desperate to Look Good,

I appreciate your confidence in my fashion sense. I must admit that besides my name being sizzling hot, I have been known to don a caliente pair of pants and a snappy beret every now and again.

I understand the need to make a splash. It is far too easy to blend in with the crowd as your true self hides under the dull, homogenized fashions available at todays malls. So my first morsel of advice would be to stay away from the mall! There is a wealth of diversity available on the world wide web. Let’s strap ourselves into our office chairs and take a white-knuckle ride along the highways and byways of the internet’s fashion landscape.

Stop #1: Ruffled Pant Legs

You can never go wrong with ruffled pant legs. It adds a little oomph to a dreary ensemble and a sashay to your step. Throw in a giant hat to protect your do and make-up from falling confetti and spraying champagne.

Stop #2: Get a Leg Up With Stirrup Pants

Two fashion wrongs will never make a fashion right, but three fashion wrongs will always make a fashion right. Velour + elastic waistband + stirrup pants = whimsical magic! Normally stirrup pants are too common for a fancy New Years party, but add a splash of velour to simulate regal velvet and you’ve got yourself a head-turner. The stirrups will always keep your pants straight as you step into the beat. The elastic waistband gives you freedom of movement and liberty to hit the buffet. To round out the ensemble, I recommend an oversized t-shirt, untucked, with a thick belt cinched over the t-shirt at a jaunty angle.

Stop #3: FRINGE! FRINGE! FRINGE! And Elastic!

Picture yourself spinning around the dance floor like a whirling dervish, the fringe of your tight-waisted leather jacket slapping potential suiters like teasing tassels. Men can’t help but notice you as they nurse their welts and dodge your next twirl.

I hope I have been of help to you and that you knock the cheap, K-Mart socks off your friend. However, I cannot be held responsible for any injuries you may receive from the swarms of men clamoring for your attention. You may want to consider some heavy-duty shoulder-pads to cushion any blows as they fall over themselves. Good luck.

Always In Style,
Señor Pooglins
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