Dear Nearly Single,

Ah, I’ve broken many a heart in my time! I have developed a unique system of breaking up with individuals that assures a mess-free dissolution. In three easy steps you can be free and easy, watching sappy Jane Austin movies on the couch with your torso covered in gummi bears, empty cartons of moose tracks ice cream, and blocks of cheddar.

1) Select the right phrase. Each break-up requires an assurance that the dumpee gets the message with only a modicum of heart-wrenching sadism. “We need to talk” lets them know what is coming. Never let them know what is coming. You need to stab at them from the dark and then retract back into the shadows before they realize what hit them. “Don’t try to find me” has a certain successful air of mystery, making the dumpee think that you have moved to a foreign country. “Beep, beep, your butt stinks” is comical enough to catch them off-guard until you hit them upside the head with “seriously, go away.” But the coup de gras, the ultimate emotional 2x4 to the cranium, is “Relationship: over.” It gets the point across succinctly while being curt enough to leave them gasping for breath.

2) Next, you must chose a method to break the news. I opt for notes, phone messages, singing telegrams, radio song dedications, sky writing, and paid infomercials on network television. You may have spotted a trend in my methodology: distance. I am never near ground zero when I drop the bomb. I suggest you do the same.

3) Lastly, avoid your ex like nuclear fallout. You must be aware that your ex could pop up at any time asking why, why, why! You could be shopping for frozen peas when you realize that he is looking for tater tots. Next thing you know you are beating him off with a bag of breaded okra between his sobs and pleas for reconciliation. I once moved to Antarctica to wash dishes for a year rather than risk an accidental meeting. My former love moved on with her life while I developed dishpan hands and a pasty complexion. It was worth it.

The most important point I can make is that you must do it and do it without hesitation or remorse. I learned that in Nam. Actually a video game about Nam… that I saw advertised on TV. OK, I just heard about it. Or was is Blind Date. I can’t remember.

Recently Joined eHarmony,
Señor Pooglins
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