NEWBRASKA — Hundreds of Blobbies reaffirmed their opposition to genocide, rape, plunder and dismemberment Monday by attending the annual Abolish Columbus Day march in downtown Newbraska. The march was a peaceful one, with all the proper demonstration permits obtained ahead of time from the proper Native American tribal authorities. Authorities of neighboring occupational western powers were not consulted.

“We just feel that since Columbus was a sea pirate, he should go down in infamy like Blackbeard or Captain Hook. If kids want to dress up as him on Halloween, we wouldn’t stop them, but we would encourage them to adopt appropriate accessories like a necklace made of slaves’ hands, a vial of small pox around his neck, or a flask of human blood strapped to his thigh. These accouterments will help kids remember the thousands of limbs he cut off and other such destruction he brought,” said event co-planner Señor Pooglins.

While some Blobbies feel the day should be recast as a national day of mourning, others feel that the western consumer’s need to celebrate is too strong and therefore support a renaming effort that would allow people to continue their BBQ and retail sale extravaganzas.

“Personally, I think we have a responsibility to publicly mourn not only the horrendous treatment of indigenous peoples by Columbus and his governing successors, but also the legacy of state-celebrated atrocities. That is why I give my students extra credit for wearing black to school on Columbus day,” said activist and Blobby, Jr. elementary school teacher Mrs. Smelnor.

The Baron of Beef von Espy is in the other camp: “Since I am a baron, I understand the political need to ease the general public into a more enlightened understanding of history. That is why I endorse the renaming of Columbus Day to Columbo Day. It would be very easy for businesses to alter the spelling on their sale banners. We can manufacture consent by facilitating behavior that we approve of. And who doesn’t approve of Columbo? I mean, the guy was an investigative genius!”

For more information on abolishing Columbus Day, visit http://www.transformcolumbusday.org/.

To view or sign anti-Columbus Day petitions, visit Petition Online and The Petition Site. You may also read a discussion with Denver organizers of a Columbus Day protest on Democracy Now!