Dearest Lyssa of the Fringe,

First off, “Hi, there,” is not an appropriate greeting for aristocracy. You may start all future correspondences with “My Leige,” “Mein Herr,” or “Tootsie.”

Now, on to your question. I’m afraid that I don’t know to what you are referring. Do you mean the image of the leather fringe jacket from Señor Pooglins’s advice to “Desperate to Look Good,” or are you referring to my oft visited blog, The Baron of Beef Von Espy’s Fringe Tracker? Either way, I do not own the copyrights to any of the images and you will have to contact the individual web site administrators for permission to use any images.

While I have your attention, I have been working on a script about a young and innocent baron who comes to the big city with dreams of opening his own leather and fringe store only to run into problems with a gang of local street tuffs who run the denim store across the street. Judging by the fact that you are from Broadway.com and are associated with this fascinating Fringe Festival, I think this may be right up your alley. Get back with me ASAP as I’m sure this script won’t be on the market for long.

Your Friend in Fringe,
The Baron of Beef Von Espy
—
Have a question or a problem? Let or the calm your storm.

Dear Nearly Single,

Ah, I’ve broken many a heart in my time! I have developed a unique system of breaking up with individuals that assures a mess-free dissolution. In three easy steps you can be free and easy, watching sappy Jane Austin movies on the couch with your torso covered in gummi bears, empty cartons of moose tracks ice cream, and blocks of cheddar.

1) Select the right phrase. Each break-up requires an assurance that the dumpee gets the message with only a modicum of heart-wrenching sadism. “We need to talk” lets them know what is coming. Never let them know what is coming. You need to stab at them from the dark and then retract back into the shadows before they realize what hit them. “Don’t try to find me” has a certain successful air of mystery, making the dumpee think that you have moved to a foreign country. “Beep, beep, your butt stinks” is comical enough to catch them off-guard until you hit them upside the head with “seriously, go away.” But the coup de gras, the ultimate emotional 2x4 to the cranium, is “Relationship: over.” It gets the point across succinctly while being curt enough to leave them gasping for breath.

2) Next, you must chose a method to break the news. I opt for notes, phone messages, singing telegrams, radio song dedications, sky writing, and paid infomercials on network television. You may have spotted a trend in my methodology: distance. I am never near ground zero when I drop the bomb. I suggest you do the same.

3) Lastly, avoid your ex like nuclear fallout. You must be aware that your ex could pop up at any time asking why, why, why! You could be shopping for frozen peas when you realize that he is looking for tater tots. Next thing you know you are beating him off with a bag of breaded okra between his sobs and pleas for reconciliation. I once moved to Antarctica to wash dishes for a year rather than risk an accidental meeting. My former love moved on with her life while I developed dishpan hands and a pasty complexion. It was worth it.

The most important point I can make is that you must do it and do it without hesitation or remorse. I learned that in Nam. Actually a video game about Nam… that I saw advertised on TV. OK, I just heard about it. Or was is Blind Date. I can’t remember.

Recently Joined eHarmony,
Señor Pooglins
—
Have a question or a problem? Let or the quell your qualms.

Dear Inexpert Instructor,

Since receiving your email, I have scoured my cassette collection in search of songs to instruct your students as well as inspire them as citizens of the U.S. of A. I have created an iMix of tracks that I feel teaches vocabulary, annunciation, spelling, colloquialisms, customs, capitalism, government, patriotism, immigration, history, occupations, the draft, due process, and hamburgers. After internalizing these tunes and their lyrical content, your students should be confident navigating modern American society. They will be able to carry on conversations about the appropriateness of bolstering the national economy by shopping at the mall. They will not only be able to spell Washington, D.C., but speak of the beauty of the National Mall in the Autumn. And most importantly, they will come to revere The Neil Diamond.

See my iMix on the iTunes Music Store »

1) Combat Rock by Sleater-Kinney
We begin this mix with a song from our friends from the Northwest. Carrie Brownstein’s stacotto annunciation should allow your class to sing along and catch each individual syllabal. She sings of the economy, she sings of hot pants, she sings of Uncle Sam. I just want to place my hand over my heart… if I only had hands.

Show you love your country go out and spend some cash
Red white blue hot pants doing it for Uncle Sam
Flex our muscles show them we’re stronger than the rest
Raise your hands up baby are you sure that we’re the best?

Full lyrics »

2) I’m So Bored With the U.S.A. by the Clash
Since Sleater-Kinney borrowed the name Combat Rock from The Clash, we’ll move on to the Clash next. There is no need for you to inform your students of the US’s international policy. Let Joe Strummer do it for you.

Yankee dollar talk
To the dictators of the world
In fact it’s giving orders
An’ they can’t afford to miss a word

Full lyrics »

3) Political Science by Randy Newman
Randy puts forth an intriguing idea. Maybe America should go toe-to-toe with South America — winner gets to keep “America.”

Asiaâ??s crowded and europeâ??s too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canadaâ??s too cold
And South America stole our name
Letâ??s drop the big one
Thereâ??ll be no one left to blame us

Full lyrics »

4) This Means You by Talib Kweli
Here we learn a bit about regional dialects and accents. Later in the song, there is a long list of U.S. cities where immigrant populations live and work. I recommend the Clean version of this track.

My speech seasoned, with dialect of my region
Booga-nam Brooklyn Bed-Stuy Eastern
Where youth and policemen, they nah reach agreement
Pressure in the mornin, pressure in the evenin’.

Full lyrics »

5) New Kicks by Le Tigre
Protesting is patriotic.

We must stand here, token, abound and unchained.
We need healthcare!
We need education!
We need freedom in this nation!

Full lyrics »

Download track for free (Thanks, ladies)

6) America Is Not the World by Morrissey
What could be more American than the hamburger? And your students will never get by on America’s freeways without knowing how to tell people where to shove things.

It brought you the hamburger
Well, America, you know where
You can shove your hamburger

Full lyrics »

7) I’m Afraid of Americans by David Bowie
Aren’t we all, Dave? Aren’t we all?

I’m afraid of Americans
I’m afraid of the world
I’m afraid I can’t help it
I’m afraid I can’t
I’m afraid of Americans

Full lyrics »

* The third verse may be inappropriate for classroom use.

8) Of Up and Coming Monarchs by Pedro the Lion
As new citizens of America (especially if they don’t have much money) your class members may find themselves in danger of the draft at some point. This song will let them know about our neighbor to the North who will welcome them with open arms and national health coverage.

There once was a time
One could flee to the north
But Canada’s not what she used to be
Boycott the war
Well she could not afford to
Thanks to the new American queen.

Full lyrics »

9) 16 Military Wives by Decemberists
Aside from the alphabet, it is essential to teach numbers to ESL students. Colin Meloy will cover the numbers 16, 32, 17, 12, 10, 15, 18, 7, and 14.

Cause America can
And America can’t say no
And America does if
America says it’s so

Full lyrics »

10) Bag Lady by Erykah Badu
America has poor people. They need to practice proper lifting techniques. Bend at the knees.

Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

Full lyrics »

11) Washington, D.C. by The Magnetic Fields
Spelling and the nation’s capital!

W a-s-h i-n-g t-o-n, baby, D.C.!
W a-s-h i-n-g t-o-n, baby, D.C.!
Washington, D.C.
It’s paradise to me
It’s not because it is the grand old seat
Of precious freedom and democracy
No, no, no
It’s not the greenery turning gold in fall
The scenery circling the Mall
It’s just that’s where my baby lives
That’s all.

Full lyrics »

12) Smallpox Champion by Fugazi
I find it only fitting to move from The Magnetic Fields’ little ditty to a band from Washington, D.C.: Fugazi. This song talks about some of the issues I addressed in my answer to a distressed decorator seeking advice on Thanksgiving Centerpieces: eliminating a native people and snatching up real estate.

Smallpox champion U S of A
Give natives some blankets
Warm like the grave
This is the pattern cut from the cloth
This is the pattern designed to take you right out

Full lyrics »

13) Loyal to My Sorrowful Country by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
The current president is President George W. Bush. This song will teach your students the best way to speak of him.

In the days when we were young,
We were free, we were free…
Now that Georgie’s reign’s begun,
We won’t be, we can’t be…

And no more shall I be, loyal to my sorrowful country
No more shall I be, loyal to my sorrowful country.

Full lyrics »

Download track for free (Thanks Ted)

14) Who Killed John Columbo? by Wesley Willis
America’s legal system may seem confusing at first, especially with all the redundant paperwork, relativistic arguments, and jargon. Hopefully this song will help your students with some of the more common terms used in the courtroom. I also recommend 2 x 4 by Mr. Willis for individuals who seek to enter the construction industry.

Dale Wilson went to court.
He was arraigned.
He went on trial.
The evidence stated that Dale Wilson shot John Columbo in the head four times with a .38 while he was driving his taxi cab.

Who killed John Columbo? 4x

Full lyrics »

15) Subdivision by Ani Difranco
In order to truly survive in America, it is necessary to understand the nature of suburbs and planned communities.

White people are so scared of black people. They bulldoze out to the country, and put up houses on little loop-d-loop streets. And while America gets its heart cut right out of its chest, the Berlin Wall still runs down Main Street separating east side from west.

Full lyrics »

Regretfully, this Ani Difranco song is not available on the iTunes Music Store.

16) America by The Neil Diamond
We don’t mess with The Neil.

Free
Only want to be free
We huddle close
Hang on to a dream

On the boats and on the planes
Theyâ??re coming to America
Never looking back again
Theyâ??re coming to America

Full lyrics »

The Neil Diamond’s America is also not available on the iTunes Music Store. Fascists!
Update (01/24/06): The Neil Diamond catalog was just added to the iTunes Music Store. I take it back Apple. You are true patriots.

I hope this is a help to you and your students as you take your journey together through this world of English and precariously reasoned patriotism.

God Bless the Independent Commonwealth of Newbraska,
Señor Pooglins
—
Have a question or a problem? Let or the calm your tempest-tossed mind.

Dear Desperate to Look Good,

I appreciate your confidence in my fashion sense. I must admit that besides my name being sizzling hot, I have been known to don a caliente pair of pants and a snappy beret every now and again.

I understand the need to make a splash. It is far too easy to blend in with the crowd as your true self hides under the dull, homogenized fashions available at todays malls. So my first morsel of advice would be to stay away from the mall! There is a wealth of diversity available on the world wide web. Let’s strap ourselves into our office chairs and take a white-knuckle ride along the highways and byways of the internet’s fashion landscape.

Stop #1: Ruffled Pant Legs

You can never go wrong with ruffled pant legs. It adds a little oomph to a dreary ensemble and a sashay to your step. Throw in a giant hat to protect your do and make-up from falling confetti and spraying champagne.

Stop #2: Get a Leg Up With Stirrup Pants

Two fashion wrongs will never make a fashion right, but three fashion wrongs will always make a fashion right. Velour + elastic waistband + stirrup pants = whimsical magic! Normally stirrup pants are too common for a fancy New Years party, but add a splash of velour to simulate regal velvet and you’ve got yourself a head-turner. The stirrups will always keep your pants straight as you step into the beat. The elastic waistband gives you freedom of movement and liberty to hit the buffet. To round out the ensemble, I recommend an oversized t-shirt, untucked, with a thick belt cinched over the t-shirt at a jaunty angle.

Stop #3: FRINGE! FRINGE! FRINGE! And Elastic!

Picture yourself spinning around the dance floor like a whirling dervish, the fringe of your tight-waisted leather jacket slapping potential suiters like teasing tassels. Men can’t help but notice you as they nurse their welts and dodge your next twirl.

I hope I have been of help to you and that you knock the cheap, K-Mart socks off your friend. However, I cannot be held responsible for any injuries you may receive from the swarms of men clamoring for your attention. You may want to consider some heavy-duty shoulder-pads to cushion any blows as they fall over themselves. Good luck.

Always In Style,
Señor Pooglins
—
Have a question or a problem? Let or the be a soothing balm to your troubled soul.

Dear Disgruntled Student,

I, too, have felt the looming weight of tedium, circular logic, obvious insults to my polyester brain matter, and a seemingly endless tunnel of long, dark nights lit only by the digital clock on my desk and the flame of indignation in my heart. Homework need not be your life’s great work, despite what your teachers may attempt to manipulate you to believe. It is, alas, something that must be done.

If you are to rise above the mediocre and airbrushed bureaucratic curricula set before you, you must defeat the number one weapon of the American educational system: pointless busywork. They may try to keep you so distracted recounting dates that you have no time to notice that some of the events attributed to these canonical dates are largely fictionalized. You may be so worn thin by rehearsing equations in endless iterations that any creative application of said formulas drifts as far from your mind as the polar ice cap is to Cancun.

How can you defeat these mind-numbing, vitality squelching tactics? Recognize them for what they are and nudge your pacifism out of the way just enough to view this as the war for your social, political, aesthetic, and humanitarian attunement that it is. Your self-preservation instincts will kick in to propell you through the monotony.

When all else fails and you are discouraged nigh unto eating your no.2 pencil and protractor or graphing calculator, do what I did lo these many years ago and look to the wisdom of the man who inspired me to complete my “formal” education: “BE COOL. STAY IN SCHOOL.”

Pitying the fools,
Señor P.

Dearest Devoted Fan,

Ah, Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving. In the Pooglins household, we sit ‘round the table by candle light and recount the story of the first Thanksgiving. I don’t mean that propagandistic nonsense about Pilgrims and Squanto in 1621. I mean the Thanksgiving from 1863 when, during the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln saw need of bolstering the Union’s pride. So he did what any red blooded American president would do: he made up a holiday. Nothing says patriotism like a holiday. Thus was born the first Thanksgiving.

Later, during the 1890’s the Pilgrims were retroactively included as part of what Thanksgiving was all about. Then stories promulgated about the friendships between Native Americans and Pilgrims resulting in tableaus of fellowship between the two cultures at the dinner table over horns-o-plenty, corn, pumpkins, and turkey (which Benjamin Franklin thought should be the national bird, and now is in a tasty sort of way).

So, in the tradition of faux patriotism and the suppression of native cultures in favor of an ethnocentric celebration, I will offer you a few suggestions for True Thanksgiving centerpieces.

Idea the First: Whittle a large sculpture of Lincoln out of cheese (one of Abe’s favorite foods). I think a nice Abbaye du Mont des Cats would provide a suitable firmness for sculpting. As an accent to the large Lincoln centerpiece, you can add smaller cheese Lincolns at each setting as place card holders. Just carve a slot atop Lincoln’s head to hold a place card.

Idea the Second: At the 1621 dinner table, another slice of pumpkin pie wasn’t the only thing the Pilgrims passed to the “Indians.” Smallpox, passed through European contact, ran rampant through the New England tribes wiping out 90% - 96% of the native peoples. This plague caused the tribes to doubt their gods and traditions and ally themselves with the Europeans for protection from neighboring tribes. This just furthered the epidemic. As the Native Americans were being killed off by the invisible enemy, the white folk swept along behind them to claim the newly “available” real estate, giving them something to be truly thankful for.

In this spirit, we offer you the Smallpox Horn-o-Plenty.

Breaking the piñata
& collecting the land deeds

Idea the Third: Along the same lines as the Smallpox Horn-o-Plenty is the Indian Piñata (or Indiañata). This one can be used as a centerpiece for the meal, and once dinner is over it’s a game to keep the children occupied. As each child takes a whack at the little indian brave - breaking a limb, or cracking his skull - the Indiañata will dispense candy for the children and small land deeds for the adults.

I hope these ideas have been helpful for you as you prepare for the upcoming holiday. Please, feel free to take them and make them your own.

Peace out,
Señor Pooglins